McDonald’s Australia (or, Long Live The King)

I know that my McDonald’s posts are some of the most popular ones I do, but seeing how long I’ve been in Australia (waaaay longer than I ever intended), I haven’t had a whole lot to write about. Since the beginning of the year, in addition to Australia I’ve been in Brunei (no McDonald’s that I could find), Malaysia (saving that till I get to Kuala Lumpur), Indonesia, East Timor (no McDonald’s), and PNG (no arches to be found in Port Moresby). That doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of Ronald to talk about.

Nonetheless, I feel it is time. Time to talk McD’s.

The menu at the McDonald’s Australia isn’t really that special. When I first arrived in Melbourne there was a McDonald’s about half a mile away (1km) from where I was staying. The first time I went there they had something called the McOz on the menu, but it was replaced by the next time I went there. The McOz was just a regular burger with beetroot on it. It was the same as the Kiwiburger I found in New Zealand, minus the egg. (and I must say, I’ve become a convert to putting an egg on hamburger. It bothered my American sensibilities at first, but now I’ll go out of my way to have a fried egg on my burger at a restaurant.)

The McOz was replaced by the McFeast which is just a burger with lettuce, tomato, and mayo. Boring.

There is no $1 menu because nothing here costs anything close to $1. Even a simple cheeseburger is over $2, and the Australian dollar is close to parity with the American dollar. A large McFeast meal is $8.75. Sadly, McDonald’s is the cheapest meal you are going to find in Australia.

They have just introduces a bunch of new sandwiches in preparation for the olympics. They are the McEurope, the McAsia, the McAustralia and the McAfrica. Needless to say, as the spokesman for all of the Western Hemisphere, the Americas are pissed at their exclusion from the menu.

• The McAsia is a chicken wrap, harkening back to the days of yore when Asians ate their foods in tortillas.
• The McAustralia looks good, but in reality the only good parts are on the edge of the burger. If you look inside, the middle is totally dry and empty and there is nothing but a big red rock in the center.
• The McAfrica is given to you in a box. When you open it you find it empty and the cashier can not explain where everything went. In truth, the burger has been put in a safe deposit box in Switzerland.
• The McEurope is chicken. No joke required.

But honestly, I really don’t want to talk about McDonald’s. The whole McDonald’s around the world is great, but McDonald’s often isn’t the interesting fast food story. In Brunei for example it was the pizza. Because it was a Muslim country, they didn’t have any pork. What needs to be brought to the attention of the world in Australia is Burger King….. or, the lack thereof.

There is no Burger King in Australia. They have Hungry Jacks.

Hungry Jacks is to Burger King what a watch sold by a guy on a street corner is to a Rolex. A cheap imitation of the original.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was in Australia when I saw the Hungry Jack’s sign. For a country which still has a queen which doesn’t even live in the damn country, you think they could extend the monarchy to something as important as flame broiling.

What was their beef with the King? I think they couldn’t take the idea of two monarchs ruling them from other countries.

What happened to him? Was he beheaded like Louis XVI or Charles I? I imagine there was some burger cabal of Ronald, Wendy and the usurper “Hungry Jack” who got together to plot the coup. Mean, motive and opportunity. Just follow the beef and it will lead you to the truth.

Shame on you Australia. Shame, shame on you…..