I’ve Been Banned From Entering the UK!!

I woke up this morning to a shocking email. I have been notified by the UK Border Agency that I have been indefinitely banned from entering the UK. Evidently, someone in the British government has been following me online and reported me to the authorities.

Here is a copy of the email I received.

April 1, 2012

Nigel Tufnel
Legal Affairs
UK Border Agency
Lunar House
40 Wellesley Road
Croydon, Surrey CR9 2BY
0870 606 7766

cc David St. Hubbins

Dear Mr. Arndt,

Among the many responsibilities of the Border Agency is to
protect the crown and citizens of the United Kingdom from
radical outside influences which may destabilize or
influence our country in a negative manner. In my duty as
legal affairs director, I take this mission seriously.

For this reason I am notifying you that your privileges
of travel to the United Kingdom are indefinitely revoked.
Our research has confirmed a history of anti-British
language on your blog as well as on other internet and
social media websites.

These infractions inclue:

* Negative references to Her Majesty The Queen regarding
her corgi dogs.
* Slanderous references to the appearance of His Royal
Highness the Prince of Wales and comparisons to a horse.
* Derogatory use of the term "spotted dick".
* Repeated Foursquare check-ins at the Cockfoster
Underground station in London.
* Repeated use of the phrases "hawt" and "I'd tap that" in
reference to Catherine the Duchess of Cambridge.
* Improper use of the word "fanny".
* Egregious and improper use of the word "awesome" while
on British soil.

If you wish to appeal this decision, you may plead your case in
person at the Border Agency office in London between 9am and 5pm

We expect your cooperation in the matter and that you will keep
this letter confidential.

Nigel Tufnel

This is total bullshit! I think this is just them getting revenge for the US banning 2 British citizens earlier this year.

If there are any British immigration lawyers who might be reading this please contact me immediately! I still have about £5 on my Oyster card and over £10 in loose change that I would hate to have to go to waste.

39 thoughts on “I’ve Been Banned From Entering the UK!!”

  1. Oooh…you’re in trouble! No more beans and toast for you. Although, I’m sorta fond of an English breakfast. Good thing you’re just joshin’. ;)

  2. I was ready to be outraged Gary, but after reading the “royal highness similarity to a horse” I knew the jig was up LOL! However it doesn’t make it an untrue statement ;-)

  3. This is priceless! Wish I’d thought to write a post like this – super funny. I laughed out loud when I read “Repeated use of the phrases “hawt” and “I’d tap that” in reference to Catherine the Duchess of Cambridge.” Ahhh *wiping tears of mirth from eyes* – good one.

  4. You had me for half a second… then I remembered the date… Good one! But your best April fools was the year you got married!!!

  5. I didn’t get to your posting yesterday but, recalling last year, I figured you would have a great April Fool’s Day message – and so you did. I can’t even imagine who or what you will skewer next year.

  6. Good one Gary! I wondered what you might come up with this year. Always fun on April Fool’s;)

  7. I got fooled at first when I read it at your Facebook timeline. Almost forgot what day it was today……good one…

  8. Too funny. If the Canadian government reads our blog, we might not be allowed back in Canaduh!

    Hmm. Just calling it Canaduh might be enough to set them off…

  9. Don’t know what this “spotted dick” is you have been accused of referring to. (I am probably banned as well now for ending a sentence with a preposition.) But the implications of such a term do seem nefarious.

  10. It is supposed to be confidential… You don’t help your case really!

    Joke aside, this is ridiculous, particularly in a democratic country were free speach should prevail.

  11. such a bad thing to happen..hope this will be lifted and that you can travel again to UK..good luck Gary!

  12. Loved it! But be careful, talk like that can get you banned in the US, after the next election. (Depending on the winner, of course) Uh oh, now maybe I’ll be banned too!

  13. That is hilarious and a great April Fool’s Day joke!
    I have pictures in the London Underground pointing to Cockfosters Station. Every time I go back I always crack up when I see it on the signs.

  14. Too funny.

    Soon as I started to read the letter, I knew you were punking your readership. ;-)

    If the charges outlined were legit – 3/4 of the British population would be banned from their own Isle! LOL

    Happy April Fool’s Day…


  15. Good thing you know how to “sneak in” via Northern Ireland… the Queen doesn’t even know that route exists.

  16. Oh my god! This is totally awful! I mean in this day and age to do something like this is absolutely ridiculous!

    Is there no way that you can appeal this injustice ? If you were to write to them immediately (today) – I’m sure they would take quick action!

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